Sort of not single anymore?

This evening goes somewhere in the top regions of my “Weirdest evenings” list.

My ex, Jantien, came by. To talk. I really didn’t understand why, she’s been acting like a total bitch since she dumped me. Saying nasty things about me, not keeping promises and not letting me know about it. That sort of thing. I agreed with her coming by mostly cause I wanted my camera back. (And she still has my Matrix dvd!)

So, I picked her up at the train station, her train was right on time and I was a minute late, as always. (It was that or running to the station with warm wet pants…) So, we walked away from the station. “Are you hungry, or do you want to go to V&D first?” she asked. Not hungry… I felt horrible. Confused. Weird. Hurt. Lonely. I felt so strange seeing her (well, I actually avoided looking at her) and hearing her voice… So, into town, in and out of some stores… and to my place, cause we got kinda hungry. And of course, once we got home, I really didn’t want to cook. So, we talked. And after a while she got really hungry. KFC? KFC! Put on our shoes, went to the door… and it was raining cats and dogs. Soooo…. I’d better start cooking huh? πŸ˜› So… dinner was great. I’m a hell of a chef, when I’m having a good day πŸ˜‰ No, I’m not, but I’m not bad in the kitchen. Dinner. CSI New York. Talking. A kiss. A very strange sensation. It’s been 5 weeks… and I was determined to be mad at her. And I was. But I couldn’t let it out. I just couldn’t. I was too busy missing her, I suppose.

I’m really having a hard time describing what happened. When she hugged me, I felt strange, but I liked it. A lot. When she kissed me, I was overwhelmed. It’s so weird. But I loved it. And I felt how much I missed it. Her. Her softness. The look in her eyes. The feeling it gives me. She said she’d been making a lot of mistakes the last couple of weeks. The biggest being letting me go, 5 weeks ago. At first I didn’t know what to believe. “Why would I be here, if it weren’t true?” Good question, I didn’t know why else. But I still wasn’t sure. How could I be? The last 5 weeks she’s been a complete stranger to me. A totally different girl, not the one I loved. And now she suddenly changed back? Why would that be? And if it’s true, what assurance would I have it wouldn’t happen again? “Cause now I know what I’d miss” Again, good response… but on the other hand, she wanted freedom. If she loses that again, she’ll again know what she misses. Freedom. Why would that not change things, again? Well, cause she thinks she should have both. She should be able to have fun with her friends AND have a boyfriend. Very true… but the same goes for me. Yeah… she kinda knew that. Well, not even kinda. She realized she had to change things if she wants this to work.

But still. It feels so weird. I can’t wrap my mind around it. So very strange, feeling her lips and her hands again. So right and yet so… strange. And letting her go to her train, that might have been the strangest thing. So… double. Not wanting to let her go. And yet a little voice screaming in the back of my head “Go! Go away! Let me think!”. But that’s the sort of voice you just cannot and will not listen to. So… I let my girlfriend walk up the stairs to her train… while I wanted nothing more than waking up next to her. And that’s pretty much the last thing I expected to happen this evening.

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