So, nearly a year later. I really don’t come here often enough (but hey, nobody reads it anyway…)
Well, about the house… yeah, all that painting? Never happened. All wood is still that horrible yellowish colour. So much work… and it would involve tearing off the carpet of the stairs too. I’m saving that for later. What has been painted are the livingroom, bedroom, kitchen, arch to the kitchen, the side of the shed facing the house, wall in the attic where my home office used to be.
That’s another thing, my home office was in the attic. Thought that would be cool. Even painted a wall because white was just way too bright with all the sunlight through the windows in the roof. Turns out… it gets really cold there in winter (and no heating) and very hot in summer. Got an A/C but… I didn’t really feel at ease there. Turns out, the attic is just too damn big and yet, because of the roof, feels… cramped. So I moved everything to the guest bedroom (as if I’ll have any guest sleeping over anyway) and I feel much more comfortable there. Do need to paint though 😉 But that’s for another day.
Then me personally… I’ve been struggling with my teeth and dentists for a couple of years now. Been terrified of dentists for 20+ years after a horrible experience at a dental surgeon. Never went back to a dentist, until shit really hit the fan and massive inflammations made life impossible to live. Spent over a year at a specialised fear dentist… turns out I have a phobia for needles too. I knew they scared me, but, not to this extent. So, in the past 2 years I’ve lost… 5 teeth (of which 2 were wisdom teeth) and the last one could be saved with a root canal treatment. That was last month. I shat bricks… and it failed. The canals had become too narrow, so I was referred to an endodontologist. But not before I had a MASSIVE inflammation under that tooth due to the failed treatment! Anyway, next week is my appointment to have that tooth fixed and I’m terrified.
Then… I’ve also decided to start working on myself. I’m just not happy. Specially not with myself, with the way I feel about myself, with my inability to take chances and generally just being unable to do what I need to do (or even find out what that is) to become happier. I know I was happiest when I wasn’t alone, when I had someone who also saw the positive sides. Anyway, started working with a psychologist. Nothing has really changed yet and I feel like she’s focussed on the wrong things, but… she’s the expert.
About that “when I wasn’t alone” thing… obviously my life got messed up bad when I lost my feelings for my ex. And definitely when I fell for someone else. I am absolutely crazy about this woman. Never even met her, but I’ve known her for so long… there’s always been this thing, but I always figured it was one sided. So I could put it away and not really fall for her. Until she told me she thought it was one sided from her side… and everything that held back my feelings was gone.
Unfortunately, her life has become quite a living hell after that, so much worse than mine. So many horrible things have happened. Not my place to lay them out here, but… I’ve all but lost her. I don’t know what to say, she’s pushed me out of her life (again) probably both to protect me and because she’s so sad she feels like she needs to be alone. I know she needs the opposite, but it’s really hard convincing someone you can’t talk to. If there wasn’t this pandemic and sea between us… I’d have torn the village she lived in apart until I found her. Yeah, I know what village she lived in, but not her address. I know I can be happy with her. I know I can help her find happiness again. And that’s something I haven’t felt before, not like this. Remember how I said I’m unable to take risks? I’d hop on a plane for her without a moment of hesitation. She’s… different.
Yeah. It sucks.